At this point, I'm over a week into the experiment. I didn't write an entry for Day 6 due to the fact that there was very little to report on. In retrospect, it may have been good to write a simple paragraph, just to keep the creative juices flowing, and also to keep motivation, no matter how repetitive the content becomes. I've really considered just scrapping this blog. It's proving to be a time sink. That being said, allow me to contradict myself with a lengthy, self-important blog post. . .
I don't generally write about Friday, Saturday, and Sunday until the following Monday. I'm busy. I have less free time. I have less privacy to write. Time dulls my ability to accurately journal. I tend to forget things. I forget thoughts, emotions, and specific cravings I have. So what I report on Monday should, theoretically, be positively skewed.
This is somewhat true today. I don't remember really having the desire to smoke, and my thoughts about it have certainly decreased. Yes, I do have the occasional "a hit would be nice right now" thought, but it rarely lasts more than a minute. So yes, I can safely say that I'm over it in that regard. I don't really give a shit about it, and I don't wish to write post after post about how I have no real desire to smoke.
The physical changes have tapered. Everything seems normal, and as it once was. As I've stated in previous posts, I don't have overwhelming amounts of extra energy. Perhaps I cough up less phlegm. My running has improved, but I'm unsure to what degree. A good race effort will help me understand this better. Another change I've noticed is that I wake up with a huge appetite. This is most likely due to the long distances I've been running, though.
I still waste tons of time. On Friday, I did my normal job-hunting routine. This was followed by hours of coffee drinking, video watching, and ass sitting. I'm fairly certain I will probably go blind from the amount of time I spend staring blankly into the computer screen. I still feel like a zombie. I am still lazy at times. Isn't everyone?
On Saturday, I woke up early and went on an extremely long run (5 hours). After this, I was much too exhausted to do anything. I just relished the natural endogenous morphine (endorphin) buzz and laid around. It's hard not to feel great after a day like this, as long as I can still walk.
So yes, I have been fairly positive. Or so it seems. In actuality, I've been in somewhat of a lull that has been punctuated by brief happy moments, or in the case of Saturday intermittent periods of extreme calm. In fact, I've noticed I've been a bit more angry and aggressive these past few days. Angry at people, situations, and ideas that I wouldn't give the time of day while stoned.
Lately, when people heckle me while I'm running, I envision turning around and bashing their faces in, or breaking their car windows with heavy objects I find on the side of the road. I'm aware of the fact that I'm wearing skin-tight clothing. I'm aware of my gaunt appearance. I'm aware that you probably have some fucked up Freudian attraction to this and combat it by yelling asinine shit at me from the security of your daddy's Volvo. Shit just gets old. Here's a haiku about it:
frat douchebaggery
spewed from speeding vehicles
angers boiling blood
Another thing that has been pissing me off is Facebook Political Activists. It's interesting how this forum empowers people to spout off relatively uninformed opinions and make ambiguous claims that they would not otherwise voice in person. Thank you, Facebook Activist, for enlightening me to all of society's ills. I would've certainly been lost without your pseudo-intellectual rant about about how my government is corrupt and that my air, water, and food is poison. All of this is news to me! Yes, please continue to express such hardcore political and social ideals that you don't even truly practice (in real life); it makes you sound intelligent.
I could go on, but I'm pretty sure I already sound like a whine-ass. That's okay by me. I feel better now. Hopefully, I will look back at this post and find it entertaining. I think that I will continue to write, just not in this blog so much. I may write a couple of posts over the next few weeks just to keep a record of my progress, since that was the initial purpose of this blog. I'll also write a final post when the 30 days is over, just to discuss a few of the things I've learned throughout the process. This way, I'll be able to spend my time in a more useful way, instead of crying into my blog every day.
Sincerely,
Dan K.
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