Likes and Dislikes

There is no quality in this world that is not what it is merely by contrast. 
Nothing exists in itself.

--Herman Melville

Before I begin keeping a daily record of how my life sucks without my daily habit, I wanted to create a list of likes and dislikes. In therapy, individuals are commonly told create lists that document the positive and negative aspects of their behaviors. I always passed it off as nonsense. But what do I have to lose? At worst, it will do nothing for me. At best, it will clarify why I'm so attracted to this habit, and perhaps also help me realize why I badly desire to quit. These lists are not comprehensive and their order does not bear any significance whatsoever.

Likes:

It helps me relax.
It puts me in a good mood.
It motivates me to do things.
It has been a part of the culture I've grown up in and it helps me bond with friends and family.
People I admire do it.
It helps me put life into perspective.
It helps me think critically about broad issues (e.g., government, politics, academia, and society in general).
It makes me nicer and less critical of individuals.
It enhances my creativity.
It facilitates introspection.
It enhances my appreciation for the arts.
It is subversive.
It goes well with outdoor recreation.
It has helped me gain an awareness of my spirituality.

Dislikes:

It makes me anxious and paranoid.
My girlfriend dislikes my habitual use.
It is (wrongfully) illegal.
Everyone I associate with does it, making it difficult to avoid.
It is something I feel I always need.
It makes me nauseous sometimes.
It can make me lazy sometimes.
It affects my running negatively (I think).
I do it uncontrollably.
It may have an effect on my long-term health.
It causes me to obsess over small things.
It is a costly habit.
I have to hide it sometimes.
It exacerbates my social anxiety.
It holds me back from participating in certain activities.
It numbs me.

As I said, these lists are by no means comprehensive. As you can see, part of my issue with quitting is the fact that I do not feel that the substance itself is wrong or bad. I feel like it has numerous positive qualities that cannot be fully appreciated in a single blog post. However, I feel that my behavior is flawed. I use these positive qualities as a rationale. I use them to justify abusing this relatively benign substance on a daily basis, which is not particularly healthy. It is not my intention to create a false duality, as the items on both lists are closely related. While I say that it enhances my appreciation for many things, I also feel that its numbing qualities can also hinder or dull my emotions and experiences. In actuality, many of the things I like about it are the things I dislike about it.

Sincerely,

Dan K.