Days 1 & 2

What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.

--T.S. Eliot

So I'm behind. Not too behind, but behind enough to combine the first two days of the experiment into a single post. It shouldn't be too difficult to follow. Just a note: I will record each day of the experiment on the following day. That way, I will be able to record my sleep patterns. If I feel that there is anything particularly noteworthy, I will be sure to write it in a journal to be recorded the following day.

Day 1 

(January 22, 2011)

The first day has always been the easiest. Probably because I'm going on residuals from the prior day. I don't even consider the first day actually quitting, but I suppose we must start somewhere. I have had several "Day 1's" in my life. Most of the time I have good intentions, but no real motivation to keep it up. It's always more convenient to fall back into comfortable patterns of habit. But this time, I feel different. I feel like its real. I have more of a desire to quit even though I cannot remotely fathom going my whole life without it. That's really beyond the scope of this experiment anyways.

So to make it official, I consumed everything I had the night before. My rationale was to smoke to the point of discomfort; thus, affirming my desire to quit. I must mention that my desire to quit actually peaks while I'm under the influence. So anyway, I rid myself of it. Having it around only creates the agony of temptation. As stated above, the first day is always the easiest.

I went for a long, long run. I figured I needed the physical activity. Plus, there is evidence that the "runners high" can be equated to a mild THC high, and actually creates similar physiological responses. So I ran long, and it helped me. The effort had me in a state of euphoria for the rest of the day. I was not grumpy and I didn't experienced a loss of appetite. The desire to smoke, however, was still there. Oral fixation, I guess.

I read that it is imperative to eat and drink a lot during this phase, because your body needs the vitamins and minerals. I have consciously eaten quite a bit, not only to make me happy, but also to refuel after a long day of running. Overall this day went very smoothly. I slept extremely well, which is fairly common after a long day of running.

Day 2

(January 23, 2011) 

The second day usually goes smoothly, but I've noticed I start to get a bit moody at the 48-hour mark. I have no idea why. Things bother me. Sounds annoy me. I get trapped in a spiral of negative thoughts. This day was no exception. 

I went for a short run to shake my legs out and establish a sense of calm for the remainder of the day. It worked for a while. I was loose and mellow. Then, out of nowhere, I felt very negative. I have a tendency to think about everything that is going wrong in my life and begin to feel sorry for myself. I get silent. When people ask, I say that nothing is bothering me. Nothing should be bothering me because I have a great life full of opportunity and loving people. I just tend to dwell on the negative, that's all.

My mood lifted once I ate dinner. I stuffed my face and had a couple glasses of wine. This restored the sense of calm that I seem to be constantly chasing. I have no intention of transferring one addiction to another, unless it's wholly positive. That is why I think it would be wise to limit my alcohol intake as well. I'm a creature of habit, probably more so than most people I know. I just want to regain more control over my behaviors.

I slept okay. I kept regularly waking up, but that could've been attributed to leg soreness due to running. I also had very vivid and memorable dreams. This is not uncommon. Whenever I go without, this always happens. I like this effect. I feel more in tune with my mind and my spirit. While today was a little trying, I consider it a victory.

Sincerely,

Dan K.