A Week In (Days 6, 7, 8 & 9)

At this point, I'm over a week into the experiment. I didn't write an entry for Day 6 due to the fact that there was very little to report on. In retrospect, it may have been good to write a simple paragraph, just to keep the creative juices flowing, and also to keep motivation, no matter how repetitive the content becomes. I've really considered just scrapping this blog. It's proving to be a time sink. That being said, allow me to contradict myself with a lengthy, self-important blog post. . .

I don't generally write about Friday, Saturday, and Sunday until the following Monday. I'm busy. I have less free time. I have less privacy to write. Time dulls my ability to accurately journal. I tend to forget things. I forget thoughts, emotions, and specific cravings I have. So what I report on Monday should, theoretically, be positively skewed.

This is somewhat true today. I don't remember really having the desire to smoke, and my thoughts about it have certainly decreased. Yes, I do have the occasional "a hit would be nice right now" thought, but it rarely lasts more than a minute. So yes, I can safely say that I'm over it in that regard. I don't really give a shit about it, and I don't wish to write post after post about how I have no real desire to smoke.

The physical changes have tapered. Everything seems normal, and as it once was. As I've stated in previous posts, I don't have overwhelming amounts of extra energy. Perhaps I cough up less phlegm. My running has improved, but I'm unsure to what degree. A good race effort will help me understand this better. Another change I've noticed is that I wake up with a huge appetite. This is most likely due to the long distances I've been running, though.

I still waste tons of time. On Friday, I did my normal job-hunting routine. This was followed by hours of coffee drinking, video watching, and ass sitting. I'm fairly certain I will probably go blind from the amount of time I spend staring blankly into the computer screen. I still feel like a zombie. I am still lazy at times. Isn't everyone?

On Saturday, I woke up early and went on an extremely long run (5 hours). After this, I was much too exhausted to do anything. I just relished the natural endogenous morphine (endorphin) buzz and laid around. It's hard not to feel great after a day like this, as long as I can still walk.

So yes, I have been fairly positive. Or so it seems. In actuality, I've been in somewhat of a lull that has been punctuated by brief happy moments, or in the case of Saturday intermittent periods of extreme calm. In fact, I've noticed I've been a bit more angry and aggressive these past few days. Angry at people, situations, and ideas that I wouldn't give the time of day while stoned.

Lately, when people heckle me while I'm running, I envision turning around and bashing their faces in, or breaking their car windows with heavy objects I find on the side of the road. I'm aware of the fact that I'm wearing skin-tight clothing. I'm aware of my gaunt appearance. I'm aware that you probably have some fucked up Freudian attraction to this and combat it by yelling asinine shit at me from the security of your daddy's Volvo. Shit just gets old. Here's a haiku about it:

frat douchebaggery
spewed from speeding vehicles
angers boiling blood

Another thing that has been pissing me off is Facebook Political Activists. It's interesting how this forum empowers people to spout off relatively uninformed opinions and make ambiguous claims that they would not otherwise voice in person. Thank you, Facebook Activist, for enlightening me to all of society's ills. I would've certainly been lost without your pseudo-intellectual rant about about how my government is corrupt and that my air, water, and food is poison. All of this is news to me! Yes, please continue to express such hardcore political and social ideals that you don't even truly practice (in real life); it makes you sound intelligent.

I could go on, but I'm pretty sure I already sound like a whine-ass. That's okay by me. I feel better now. Hopefully, I will look back at this post and find it entertaining. I think that I will continue to write, just not in this blog so much. I may write a couple of posts over the next few weeks just to keep a record of my progress, since that was the initial purpose of this blog. I'll also write a final post when the 30 days is over, just to discuss a few of the things I've learned throughout the process. This way, I'll be able to spend my time in a more useful way, instead of crying into my blog every day.

Sincerely,

Dan K.

Day 5

I'm done with irrelevant quotes.

--Dan K.

Simple as that. I think it's a bit pretentious to apply such insightful quotes to something that doesn't really matter all that much. Unless I come across something that really speaks to me, I think I may be done writing quotes at the top of each post. Perhaps I will start posting humorous images and videos instead. It's interesting how blogs evolve.

Anyway, things are still going very well. I was full of energy on Day 5, but that could be attributed to drinking a pot of coffee. Who knows? I had a good run, even though it was very tiring. After the run I was very relaxed. I was tired, so I took a nap before dinner. I woke up a bit grumpy, but tried to stay positive. It worked. I think I'm genetically wired to be a bit too easily agitated, anyway. I can easily think of a couple family members who are, too. I really don't think it has anything to do with me quitting my habit. 

Not a ton of cravings to speak of. They seem to be dissipating a bit every day. That's fine with me. What I am coming to realize is that I'm really not "addicted" in the traditional sense. When I have it, I like to smoke it. Alone, with friends, in a box, with a fox . . . it doesn't matter. When I don't have it, it rarely crosses my mind. Sure, if I wasn't making a big deal about quitting, perhaps I would attempt to obtain it, but does that necessarily mean I'm addicted? I'm sleeping well, I'm eating well, I'm not being a rabid asshole. I'm not getting sweats or chills. I'm not seeing babies walking around on the ceiling. I haven't shit the bed yet. I'm not obsessing. It's not really a big deal.

This is a relief. At the start of this experiment, I was unsure about my level of dependency. I thought it would be much harder to give something up. However, I have not been in any environment that would test my resolve, but when I visualize it, I see myself sticking to my guns. It seems easy, but time will tell.

Physically, I feel pretty good. Not extremely different, but good. That's about it. I think it's still worthwhile to keep posting. It keeps me motivated. I just think that other topics may be more worthy, and content regarding my "addiction" or "dependency" or "juvenile habit" will likely fade from the foreground. Whatever I decide, it will be my prerogative. 

Sincerely,

Dan K.

Day 4

The energy of the mind is the essence of life.

--Aristotle

Perhaps it's merely the thrill of sobriety, but I feel that things have gotten much easier. I didn't really have cravings when I woke up, and I had much more control over my thoughts throughout the day. Sure, I still thought about it, but the need just isn't there. I've even found that I'm really not very short tempered at all. I'm having a good week. I'm not depressed, I've been running a fair amount, I've been looking forward to things as opposed to dreading them.

On a related note, however, I haven't noticed that I have more time to do things. People online always say, "you'll have so much more time to do the things you love" and "you wont be wasting so much time sitting around . . . blah, blah, blah." Perhaps that was true when I was 17. As an adult, I rarely smoked and wasted my day. I usually occupied it with cleaning, reading, cooking, running, hiking, and so on. I am certainly not someone who's going to zone out and play Xbox for 7 hours, or get stoned and listen to Insane Clown Posse and cry all day. I do spend a little to much time on the internet, but I have other hobbies.

While I haven't noticed a surplus of time in my day, I have noticed some behavioral changes that affect the way I spend it. I don't think twice about leaving the house. I don't get nervous about being too stoned in public (because I'm not stoned). I don't run around the house for a half hour trying to find my keys or wallet. I don't start 10 different tasks in different rooms of the house and run around to each of them like a someone with severe ADHD. I haven't noticed a greater quantity of time, but I've noticed the quality of my time has improved. I am more focused, I think clearly, and I'm much less likely to sit around waiting to come down a little bit.

I feel like I've undergone a few physical changes, as well. I mentioned in the previous post that I have been breathing better. This is still true, I am clearer in the lung department. I ran great yesterday! I remember this effect from previous breaks I've taken. I'll be in the middle of a great, energy-filled run wondering why I don't do this more often. I just easily forget and fall back into the habit. I'm excited to see how my running progresses over the next few weeks.

I've still been eating and sleeping fine. I just read until I'm tired and doze off. The vivid dreams continue. I never remember my dreams like I have over the past 3 nights, so I have decided to keep a journal of them. Not here, of course, although some may relate to what I discuss in this blog. I started this post with very little to say, and more and more kept spilling out. It has become a bit lengthy. Without trying to make it any longer than necessary, I just want to say that expressing myself in writing has provided me with a great deal of motivation. I look forward to continuing. 

Sincerely,

Dan K.

Day 3

If to do were as easy as to know what were good to do, chapels had been churches, and poor men's cottage princes' palaces.

--William Shakespeare

Day 3 was a little easier than I thought it would be. I did not exercise, so I assumed it would be worse than the day prior. I had cravings when I woke up, which is fairly normal for me. I think the reason it was so easy was due to the fact that my day was consumed with writing. I really didn't have time to dwell because I was focused on the goal ahead of me.

It's almost strange how smoothly it went. I woke up, wrote for a few hours, and then did my normal cook/clean routine. I also didn't feel like I had to force myself to be positive. I just was. The fact that I don't have a lot of emotional issues to write about is a good sign. I think I would have more to write had it been a rough day. I still had cravings throughout the day, but nothing remotely unbearable. The point is, I'm not obsessing. I am just much happier than I thought I'd be, which is great. I hope it continues, but I wont be too discouraged if it doesn't.

Physically, I feel better. No, I haven't been filled with the plethora of energy and motivation that others have suggested. However, I do feel clearer. I feel like I can get fuller breaths. My nasal tract is clear. I don't really have any congestion to speak of. So that's one major benefit I'm noticing. As far as recovery from running, I haven't noticed a great deal of difference. I'm still sore, I'm still stiff. My appetite is still great, which was an initial concern of mine.

Sleep went well. It came late, but that's not abnormal for me. Sometimes I'm a night owl. I slept very soundly, and didn't wake up feeling tired. This was my second night of extremely vivid and memorable dreaming. As I said in the previous post, I really welcome this effect. So while Day 3 has proven to be relatively unremarkable, it hasn't passed without certain realizations.

I needn't consult online tips and message boards for information and support. I'm coming to realize (and I do recognize the irony of writing this) that many of these sites are created by uninformed morons, obsessed juveniles, or people who are capitalizing on the weakness of others. I really don't need it. I don't need people to tell me how miserable the first two weeks will be. Or the likelihood of failure. Or that I need a certain supplement to stave off cravings. I am sure there is valuable information out there. I just don't care to sift through all the garbage to get it.

Sincerely,

Dan K.

Days 1 & 2

What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.

--T.S. Eliot

So I'm behind. Not too behind, but behind enough to combine the first two days of the experiment into a single post. It shouldn't be too difficult to follow. Just a note: I will record each day of the experiment on the following day. That way, I will be able to record my sleep patterns. If I feel that there is anything particularly noteworthy, I will be sure to write it in a journal to be recorded the following day.

Day 1 

(January 22, 2011)

The first day has always been the easiest. Probably because I'm going on residuals from the prior day. I don't even consider the first day actually quitting, but I suppose we must start somewhere. I have had several "Day 1's" in my life. Most of the time I have good intentions, but no real motivation to keep it up. It's always more convenient to fall back into comfortable patterns of habit. But this time, I feel different. I feel like its real. I have more of a desire to quit even though I cannot remotely fathom going my whole life without it. That's really beyond the scope of this experiment anyways.

So to make it official, I consumed everything I had the night before. My rationale was to smoke to the point of discomfort; thus, affirming my desire to quit. I must mention that my desire to quit actually peaks while I'm under the influence. So anyway, I rid myself of it. Having it around only creates the agony of temptation. As stated above, the first day is always the easiest.

I went for a long, long run. I figured I needed the physical activity. Plus, there is evidence that the "runners high" can be equated to a mild THC high, and actually creates similar physiological responses. So I ran long, and it helped me. The effort had me in a state of euphoria for the rest of the day. I was not grumpy and I didn't experienced a loss of appetite. The desire to smoke, however, was still there. Oral fixation, I guess.

I read that it is imperative to eat and drink a lot during this phase, because your body needs the vitamins and minerals. I have consciously eaten quite a bit, not only to make me happy, but also to refuel after a long day of running. Overall this day went very smoothly. I slept extremely well, which is fairly common after a long day of running.

Day 2

(January 23, 2011) 

The second day usually goes smoothly, but I've noticed I start to get a bit moody at the 48-hour mark. I have no idea why. Things bother me. Sounds annoy me. I get trapped in a spiral of negative thoughts. This day was no exception. 

I went for a short run to shake my legs out and establish a sense of calm for the remainder of the day. It worked for a while. I was loose and mellow. Then, out of nowhere, I felt very negative. I have a tendency to think about everything that is going wrong in my life and begin to feel sorry for myself. I get silent. When people ask, I say that nothing is bothering me. Nothing should be bothering me because I have a great life full of opportunity and loving people. I just tend to dwell on the negative, that's all.

My mood lifted once I ate dinner. I stuffed my face and had a couple glasses of wine. This restored the sense of calm that I seem to be constantly chasing. I have no intention of transferring one addiction to another, unless it's wholly positive. That is why I think it would be wise to limit my alcohol intake as well. I'm a creature of habit, probably more so than most people I know. I just want to regain more control over my behaviors.

I slept okay. I kept regularly waking up, but that could've been attributed to leg soreness due to running. I also had very vivid and memorable dreams. This is not uncommon. Whenever I go without, this always happens. I like this effect. I feel more in tune with my mind and my spirit. While today was a little trying, I consider it a victory.

Sincerely,

Dan K.

Likes and Dislikes

There is no quality in this world that is not what it is merely by contrast. 
Nothing exists in itself.

--Herman Melville

Before I begin keeping a daily record of how my life sucks without my daily habit, I wanted to create a list of likes and dislikes. In therapy, individuals are commonly told create lists that document the positive and negative aspects of their behaviors. I always passed it off as nonsense. But what do I have to lose? At worst, it will do nothing for me. At best, it will clarify why I'm so attracted to this habit, and perhaps also help me realize why I badly desire to quit. These lists are not comprehensive and their order does not bear any significance whatsoever.

Likes:

It helps me relax.
It puts me in a good mood.
It motivates me to do things.
It has been a part of the culture I've grown up in and it helps me bond with friends and family.
People I admire do it.
It helps me put life into perspective.
It helps me think critically about broad issues (e.g., government, politics, academia, and society in general).
It makes me nicer and less critical of individuals.
It enhances my creativity.
It facilitates introspection.
It enhances my appreciation for the arts.
It is subversive.
It goes well with outdoor recreation.
It has helped me gain an awareness of my spirituality.

Dislikes:

It makes me anxious and paranoid.
My girlfriend dislikes my habitual use.
It is (wrongfully) illegal.
Everyone I associate with does it, making it difficult to avoid.
It is something I feel I always need.
It makes me nauseous sometimes.
It can make me lazy sometimes.
It affects my running negatively (I think).
I do it uncontrollably.
It may have an effect on my long-term health.
It causes me to obsess over small things.
It is a costly habit.
I have to hide it sometimes.
It exacerbates my social anxiety.
It holds me back from participating in certain activities.
It numbs me.

As I said, these lists are by no means comprehensive. As you can see, part of my issue with quitting is the fact that I do not feel that the substance itself is wrong or bad. I feel like it has numerous positive qualities that cannot be fully appreciated in a single blog post. However, I feel that my behavior is flawed. I use these positive qualities as a rationale. I use them to justify abusing this relatively benign substance on a daily basis, which is not particularly healthy. It is not my intention to create a false duality, as the items on both lists are closely related. While I say that it enhances my appreciation for many things, I also feel that its numbing qualities can also hinder or dull my emotions and experiences. In actuality, many of the things I like about it are the things I dislike about it.

Sincerely,

Dan K.

Rationale

Man is free at the moment he wishes to be. 

--Voltaire

Allow me to introduce myself. I am a 26 year old male. I have been a habitual marijuana smoker for over ten years. That's all you really need to know. During this time, save for intermittent periods of abstinence, I have smoked multiple times a day. Over the past ten years, I have likely spent more time under the influence than not. This is fine with me, as I feel that my habit has not profoundly affected my life (or health) in a negative manner.  It's worth mentioning that I have done well in school, and that I've never had problems finding motivation. I am also an avid distance runner, so I consider physical fitness to be an essential part of my life. Without trying to sound arrogant, I have my sh*t together for the most part. 

The problem lies with my inability to alter this daily smoking habit, regardless of how positive or negative I feel about it. Since I've had trouble quitting, or even cutting down, I figured that keeping a blog may offer some insight into my behavior and motivation to quit. The purpose of this initial blog post is to give some introduction to what I call the "Thirty Day Experiment." Is it truly an experiment? Probably not. Is there any scientific merit to what is written in this blog? Probably not. Will the content of this blog benefit anyone, including myself? The jury is still out on that one. Since I've outlined what this blog is not, please allow me to describe what it is. 

Purpose:

The purpose of this blog is to document the physiological and psychological changes that occur as I attempt to abstain from smoking over a 30 day period. It will also hopefully be a source of motivation, and something that I can look back upon when my desire to quit falters. Perhaps an ancillary benefit is that it could provide inspiration to others who have the desire to change their behaviors, but lack the motivation to do so; however, it's highly unlikely that anyone will actually read it.

Don't get me wrong. I am not generally against marijuana use. In fact, I have often been an ardent proponent of it. I just feel that many people (on both sides of the debate) are rather uninformed, and oftentimes, unintelligent. Deciding to quit has more to do with my personal issues regarding dependence and control. Call me self-absorbed. You're probably right. I am simply relaying my experiences. I truly have no agenda, other than the desire to discuss how quitting makes me feel, both physically and mentally.

Sincerely,

Dan K.