A Week In (Days 6, 7, 8 & 9)

At this point, I'm over a week into the experiment. I didn't write an entry for Day 6 due to the fact that there was very little to report on. In retrospect, it may have been good to write a simple paragraph, just to keep the creative juices flowing, and also to keep motivation, no matter how repetitive the content becomes. I've really considered just scrapping this blog. It's proving to be a time sink. That being said, allow me to contradict myself with a lengthy, self-important blog post. . .

I don't generally write about Friday, Saturday, and Sunday until the following Monday. I'm busy. I have less free time. I have less privacy to write. Time dulls my ability to accurately journal. I tend to forget things. I forget thoughts, emotions, and specific cravings I have. So what I report on Monday should, theoretically, be positively skewed.

This is somewhat true today. I don't remember really having the desire to smoke, and my thoughts about it have certainly decreased. Yes, I do have the occasional "a hit would be nice right now" thought, but it rarely lasts more than a minute. So yes, I can safely say that I'm over it in that regard. I don't really give a shit about it, and I don't wish to write post after post about how I have no real desire to smoke.

The physical changes have tapered. Everything seems normal, and as it once was. As I've stated in previous posts, I don't have overwhelming amounts of extra energy. Perhaps I cough up less phlegm. My running has improved, but I'm unsure to what degree. A good race effort will help me understand this better. Another change I've noticed is that I wake up with a huge appetite. This is most likely due to the long distances I've been running, though.

I still waste tons of time. On Friday, I did my normal job-hunting routine. This was followed by hours of coffee drinking, video watching, and ass sitting. I'm fairly certain I will probably go blind from the amount of time I spend staring blankly into the computer screen. I still feel like a zombie. I am still lazy at times. Isn't everyone?

On Saturday, I woke up early and went on an extremely long run (5 hours). After this, I was much too exhausted to do anything. I just relished the natural endogenous morphine (endorphin) buzz and laid around. It's hard not to feel great after a day like this, as long as I can still walk.

So yes, I have been fairly positive. Or so it seems. In actuality, I've been in somewhat of a lull that has been punctuated by brief happy moments, or in the case of Saturday intermittent periods of extreme calm. In fact, I've noticed I've been a bit more angry and aggressive these past few days. Angry at people, situations, and ideas that I wouldn't give the time of day while stoned.

Lately, when people heckle me while I'm running, I envision turning around and bashing their faces in, or breaking their car windows with heavy objects I find on the side of the road. I'm aware of the fact that I'm wearing skin-tight clothing. I'm aware of my gaunt appearance. I'm aware that you probably have some fucked up Freudian attraction to this and combat it by yelling asinine shit at me from the security of your daddy's Volvo. Shit just gets old. Here's a haiku about it:

frat douchebaggery
spewed from speeding vehicles
angers boiling blood

Another thing that has been pissing me off is Facebook Political Activists. It's interesting how this forum empowers people to spout off relatively uninformed opinions and make ambiguous claims that they would not otherwise voice in person. Thank you, Facebook Activist, for enlightening me to all of society's ills. I would've certainly been lost without your pseudo-intellectual rant about about how my government is corrupt and that my air, water, and food is poison. All of this is news to me! Yes, please continue to express such hardcore political and social ideals that you don't even truly practice (in real life); it makes you sound intelligent.

I could go on, but I'm pretty sure I already sound like a whine-ass. That's okay by me. I feel better now. Hopefully, I will look back at this post and find it entertaining. I think that I will continue to write, just not in this blog so much. I may write a couple of posts over the next few weeks just to keep a record of my progress, since that was the initial purpose of this blog. I'll also write a final post when the 30 days is over, just to discuss a few of the things I've learned throughout the process. This way, I'll be able to spend my time in a more useful way, instead of crying into my blog every day.

Sincerely,

Dan K.

Day 5

I'm done with irrelevant quotes.

--Dan K.

Simple as that. I think it's a bit pretentious to apply such insightful quotes to something that doesn't really matter all that much. Unless I come across something that really speaks to me, I think I may be done writing quotes at the top of each post. Perhaps I will start posting humorous images and videos instead. It's interesting how blogs evolve.

Anyway, things are still going very well. I was full of energy on Day 5, but that could be attributed to drinking a pot of coffee. Who knows? I had a good run, even though it was very tiring. After the run I was very relaxed. I was tired, so I took a nap before dinner. I woke up a bit grumpy, but tried to stay positive. It worked. I think I'm genetically wired to be a bit too easily agitated, anyway. I can easily think of a couple family members who are, too. I really don't think it has anything to do with me quitting my habit. 

Not a ton of cravings to speak of. They seem to be dissipating a bit every day. That's fine with me. What I am coming to realize is that I'm really not "addicted" in the traditional sense. When I have it, I like to smoke it. Alone, with friends, in a box, with a fox . . . it doesn't matter. When I don't have it, it rarely crosses my mind. Sure, if I wasn't making a big deal about quitting, perhaps I would attempt to obtain it, but does that necessarily mean I'm addicted? I'm sleeping well, I'm eating well, I'm not being a rabid asshole. I'm not getting sweats or chills. I'm not seeing babies walking around on the ceiling. I haven't shit the bed yet. I'm not obsessing. It's not really a big deal.

This is a relief. At the start of this experiment, I was unsure about my level of dependency. I thought it would be much harder to give something up. However, I have not been in any environment that would test my resolve, but when I visualize it, I see myself sticking to my guns. It seems easy, but time will tell.

Physically, I feel pretty good. Not extremely different, but good. That's about it. I think it's still worthwhile to keep posting. It keeps me motivated. I just think that other topics may be more worthy, and content regarding my "addiction" or "dependency" or "juvenile habit" will likely fade from the foreground. Whatever I decide, it will be my prerogative. 

Sincerely,

Dan K.

Day 4

The energy of the mind is the essence of life.

--Aristotle

Perhaps it's merely the thrill of sobriety, but I feel that things have gotten much easier. I didn't really have cravings when I woke up, and I had much more control over my thoughts throughout the day. Sure, I still thought about it, but the need just isn't there. I've even found that I'm really not very short tempered at all. I'm having a good week. I'm not depressed, I've been running a fair amount, I've been looking forward to things as opposed to dreading them.

On a related note, however, I haven't noticed that I have more time to do things. People online always say, "you'll have so much more time to do the things you love" and "you wont be wasting so much time sitting around . . . blah, blah, blah." Perhaps that was true when I was 17. As an adult, I rarely smoked and wasted my day. I usually occupied it with cleaning, reading, cooking, running, hiking, and so on. I am certainly not someone who's going to zone out and play Xbox for 7 hours, or get stoned and listen to Insane Clown Posse and cry all day. I do spend a little to much time on the internet, but I have other hobbies.

While I haven't noticed a surplus of time in my day, I have noticed some behavioral changes that affect the way I spend it. I don't think twice about leaving the house. I don't get nervous about being too stoned in public (because I'm not stoned). I don't run around the house for a half hour trying to find my keys or wallet. I don't start 10 different tasks in different rooms of the house and run around to each of them like a someone with severe ADHD. I haven't noticed a greater quantity of time, but I've noticed the quality of my time has improved. I am more focused, I think clearly, and I'm much less likely to sit around waiting to come down a little bit.

I feel like I've undergone a few physical changes, as well. I mentioned in the previous post that I have been breathing better. This is still true, I am clearer in the lung department. I ran great yesterday! I remember this effect from previous breaks I've taken. I'll be in the middle of a great, energy-filled run wondering why I don't do this more often. I just easily forget and fall back into the habit. I'm excited to see how my running progresses over the next few weeks.

I've still been eating and sleeping fine. I just read until I'm tired and doze off. The vivid dreams continue. I never remember my dreams like I have over the past 3 nights, so I have decided to keep a journal of them. Not here, of course, although some may relate to what I discuss in this blog. I started this post with very little to say, and more and more kept spilling out. It has become a bit lengthy. Without trying to make it any longer than necessary, I just want to say that expressing myself in writing has provided me with a great deal of motivation. I look forward to continuing. 

Sincerely,

Dan K.